I think I have the inability to determine my own self-worth...maybe I lost that ability, or never had it all along, and people just give me attention out of pity...maybe I'm just paranoid? This feeling is so terrible...it makes me want to claw at my eyes...


anyways, thats whats been bothering me lately...I find myself unable to do chores, or assignments; too depressed at how sure I am that I will fail, or that whether or not I have adequate results, it will not be significant to anyone...

If it's true, then this would explain why I always get hooked on girlfriends (besides normal emotion reasons); they tell me how much I mean to them...and I wish they'd continue it, as I feel that there wouldn't be anyone else who could value me as much as they had....this whole notion that I need a girlfriend to help me determine my self value, makes me replay everything my ex girlfriends had said that they loved about me...which makes me feel I need them even more....this might be why I wasn't satisfied with my last relationship; my GF rarely expressed she valued me unless she was prompted to....

this epiphany also explains my childhood; I always felt like running away because the only way to get some semblance of appreciation from anyone was to be the fool....when I entered middle school, I knew people cared for me, and were my friends....after a while though I distanced myself from people because I concetrated on making my parents proud of me...and I did make them proud of me...for a time....after a while they didn't seem to care, so once again I looked for approval amongst my peers....

Lately, I feel like my friends are drifting away; everyone I want to hang out with is either busy, and/or too far away for me and them to meet. And though I know its ridiculous to ask anyone I know to come hang out with me, and come from their colleges/ break from their schedules...but on some level I feel that they should, and I scorn them for not appeasing me; I would drop everything and get to them by any means necessary, if they really needed me to....yet I feel that they like they're asses because at this point, I need them....
and they aren't here to help me....

its strange because I realize now that I can see the strings that determine my actions**.... the fuel that drives my existence....even by typing this out on a PUBLIC journal I am hoping that people will respond and make me feel less worthless...well actually, I don't even have a real idea HOW I feel about myself....

I need people....ugh

**-
"We're all puppets, Laurie. I'm just a puppet who can see the strings"
-Doctor Manhattan, (the Watchmen)


anyways besides that rant/essay? thing I'll have art up on thursday? I don't know....I don't think I'll be doing anything worth noting this week; REALLY busy